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Journal

Eight point two

There’s not a long time ago I read an article on Huffington Post, probably. A woman was writing about her grief of recently deceased mother. Newsletters really are good. That’s how I got news about that article, and it related to me a lot. But, it helped me more than just a simple relation…

I was… whom am I kidding… I still am in that kind of situation, grieving. The problem when someone in your family dies is the fact that you might feel lost. You’d have to arrange everything, all those things that come afterwards, and there’s not really time to realize and process what’s just happened.

The worst thing you can do is suppress your feelings, because it will haunt you, and will strike you later. It’s like purgatory, probably. Anyway, like it or not, things, images, flashes, words, stick to your memory, and won’t let go. Not after these few months. Maybe they’ll vanish later, maybe they won’t. But, right now, they’re here, just like the people who were there, and those who left afterwards.

Somebody said to me that he’s not visiting as frequently as he used to do, because he ‘can’t stand the empty space left there’. Yeah! It saddens him, and he just… just can’t stand it. He’s from my father’s side. So are dozens of others, who are gone with dad. Well, he’s dad, and I know he can’t call, or write, or come. But, last I checked, the others, some of his family are still breathing.

Now, he can’t stand the empty place, to come and visit for a half of an hour, imagine how we feel. Can we stand it? Probably they’ll think we moved on… we’re happy, we’re partying all day and night long…

Oh, screw this…. I can’t find the civilized words to state my disappointment on the people I counted. I do remember every single call, every visit, everything…. And, nobody better than me understands how did they help. But, there were people who disappointed me. Because when you’re happy you call others and tell them the news. But, when you’re sad you don’t want to bother others. There were moments… unusual interesting moments… like talking to a total stranger on the bus, or while waiting to get that death certificate. There was a relation, or they found it somehow, and trying to make me believe that everything’s gonna be okay. It felt good. It felt awesome, considering the situation.

But, no matter how much they tell you that it’s going to be okay, that this will become past, and that you’re going to move on, rather sooner than later, it won’t happen. Most of them don’t know how does that feel and some of them know, but, try to sugarcoat it.

Death in the family is one of the toughest things that will happen in this live. Like John Coffey says, we all ‘Owe a death’. Somebody will go sooner, somebody later. I don’t know how it feels for those who go sooner, but I know that it’s hell and a half for those who will go later.

I never was afraid of death. It’s something we can’t escape. But, I had an idea of how might be. Anyway that idea was far, far away from what it really is.

It is eight months and two days since dad died. It’s confusing. Everything. Everyone.

I try to remind myself that after the first year, the first cycle, things might be easier. It will be easier to remember his birthday, that is due couple of weeks from now. The holidays will be less sad. But, I guess I’m just gonna remember how I felt the first year that he wasn’t around, and then how I recovered on the second year, just to ruin it all and go back, remember something when he was around. For the first time tonight I had to watch Thanksgiving game between Lions and Packers alone. There was my birthday, my sister’s birthday, Eid’s, and also the first time that snow covered his grave.

I remember things. I remember people. I remember words. Maybe that’s my curse, but, I’m awful with my memories, because they don’t vanish so easily.

What hurts most is that people whom you, whom my father cared about, didn’t care as half as that much. They left. I just feel disappointed. And this disappointment surely doesn’t help the sadness and these sleepless night.

But, thank God, there were some people who helped, some of them unknowingly. I took care to let them know for the great deeds that they’ve done, for which I’ll be forever grateful. But, now was the right time to show my disappointment to the other half, which in fact is the majority. I just hope they’ll become better in the future and learn to be there, for when their friends and family need them. The life is short, and we all owe a death. Because in the end what remains are the memories.

L